I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter*
Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.
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Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
she has a point
I’m eating the last of the pizza rolls but I’m puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it’s like to get their hopes crushed.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard…..
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
one time in an oral argument the other guy made a latin legal joke I didn’t get, but the judge didn’t get it either so he just sounded like a moron while being smarter than both of us
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”