If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
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“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you