Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter*
Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.
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Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*