@thenatewolf

*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter*

Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.

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@handsock_butts

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

@lecalabara

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

@osoplain

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

@radtoria

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

@Home_Halfway

ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
DATE: Okay
ME:
DATE:
ME;
DATE:
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go

@Im_Tricia

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

@CyborgHanky

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

@9GAG

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@Marlebean

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*