Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.