I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what