I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.