*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Somebody’s lying.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face