Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?