*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots