@thewritertype

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

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@Tmoney68

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

@rocknthepurple

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

@roxiqt

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

@pleatedjeans

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

@jergarl

Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.

Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.

@jazmasta

Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.

@TheToddWilliams

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

@Mindless4Miles

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.