I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

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At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.


I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.


Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.


Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home


Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.

Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.


Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.


[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?


I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.