I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

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Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true


[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”



Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.


[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself


So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.


Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.