I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Genius idea!!
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I know