@thewritertype

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

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@ElliotHetherton

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

@thepunningman

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

@simoncholland

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

@MisfitMuse

So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.

@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.