@kipconlon

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

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@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@bourgeoisalien

Human history is so awful, I think I’m just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.

@Lerky

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

@Marlebean

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

@eric10F

My friends cat just ran across his banjo and was immediately sued by Mumford and Sons.

@portmanteauface

[before police questioning]

MOB BOSS: You don’t wanna find out what we do if you break omertà, we’ll take out your whole family if you give any of us up to those pigs

RICK ASTLEY: how many times do we have to go over this

@Megatronic13

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

@TheBoydP

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

@HatfieldAnne

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.