*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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Human history is so awful, I think I’m just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My friends cat just ran across his banjo and was immediately sued by Mumford and Sons.
[before police questioning]
MOB BOSS: You don’t wanna find out what we do if you break omertà, we’ll take out your whole family if you give any of us up to those pigs
RICK ASTLEY: how many times do we have to go over this
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.