I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
honestly, i need both: