If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”
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“You snooze, you lose.”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
And also a fork.
paramedic: can you tell me what happened
crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car
I DIDN’T SAFELY EJECT MY FLASH DRIVE AND NOW MY DOG IS DEAD
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom
Why do they even asks such dumb questions?
sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation
New Coworker: So do you have any kids?
Me: Yeah, one too many
New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?