I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“i am a sweet baby”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat