Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”
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Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!
Someone call 911!
Reasons to jump:
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*picks up cat*
*puts cat down*
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.