@Matty_Softmitts

I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”

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@aveuaskew

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

@pdxjohnny99

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

@Lisa_Laughs_

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

@LMHPhotog

paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car

@zachheltzel

I DIDN’T SAFELY EJECT MY FLASH DRIVE AND NOW MY DOG IS DEAD

@GrillinChillin9

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

@pakalupapito

sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation

@Mr_Kapowski

New Coworker: So do you have any kids?

Me: Yeah, one too many

New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?

Me: One