I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.