I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
OMG 🤣🤣
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
This is hilarious….
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN