@SteveSuckington

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

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@juliussharpe

I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.

@Starlight2112

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

@LosLos__

I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

@Kirangandhi

I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@ewfeez

[spelling bee]
Your word is “coincide”
-could u use it in a sentence?
Sure: When the nickel murdered the penny it was a case of “coincide”