I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
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She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”