I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Natural selection at its finest
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
g
a
r
d
e
n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.