I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
