Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.
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ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[learning how to tie shoes in school]
Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*