I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.

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Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”


[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second


(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!


[learning how to tie shoes in school]

Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life


A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.


If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.


Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!


Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*