MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
This is hilarious….
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee