Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.
Due to the quarantine I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids’-
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”