@lmegordon

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

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@tourettzgoth

Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

@ArfMeasures

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

@mommajessiec

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

@VerbsRProudest

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

@Try2StopME

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

@baycontaco

I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.

@Ryanfc706

Due to the quarantine I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

@notnotscotty

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids’-

me: YES

@SentenceReduced

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”