Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.