I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

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Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit


Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.


Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?


sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*


DOG: woof

ME: you wanna go outside?

DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof!

ME: ok just a second

DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof


me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous


Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single


$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”