Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
ME: you wanna go outside?
DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof!
ME: ok just a second
DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”