@BoomBoomBetty

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

You Might Also Like

@RobElliottComic

Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

@Darlainky

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

@jonnysun

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

@polite_good_boy

DOG: woof

ME: you wanna go outside?

DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof!

ME: ok just a second

DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof

@MarfSalvador

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

@NoticablyBacon

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

@leechee420

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”