I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

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Hansel: how are we gonna get home
Gretel: we should leave some sort of trail
Duck: [pitching voice] how about a trail of bread crumbs


her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*


FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope


if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me


Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”


If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.


Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.


My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.