@BoomBoomBetty

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

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@crylenol

Hansel: how are we gonna get home
Gretel: we should leave some sort of trail
Duck: [pitching voice] how about a trail of bread crumbs

@CAshmanActor

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

@milkinhisbag

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

@chrissyteigen

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

@sannewman

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

@KentWGraham

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

@GingerHotDish

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.