I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
You Might Also Like
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.