I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
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This kid will have a bright future.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.