I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

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Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up


“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping


One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT A BABY!



AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams


Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.


In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.


I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.


I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.


FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.


I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.