@GroovyTasia

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

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@T_Bonezzz_

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

@T_Bonezzz_

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

@batkaren

One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT A BABY!

@sofarrsogud

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

@imchriskelly

Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.

@RickAaron

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

@shawnspree

I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.

@skittle624

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

@truegritrumble

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

@Jacob_Swift16

I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.