I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I'd still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*

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