I could be subtweeting my cat for all you know. Calm down.

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When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.


Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer


Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics


So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?


we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy


Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*


I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.


This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!


[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!