@BeatrixKiddo_22

I could be subtweeting my cat for all you know. Calm down.

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@patcasey72

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

@alinapete

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

@MomofTeen

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

@sixfootcandy

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

@Kyle_Lippert

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

@Chhapiness

My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect