[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?