I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
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The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’