I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
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Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me, in DM rooms…
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.