I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
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Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression