I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
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If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
superman landing like a plane on his belly
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?