@MrsGoose69
Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”
@Donnie_Fairburn
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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@MrsGoose69
@CafeinatedBacon
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
@TomItUp
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
@TheMichaelRock
Me: he’s cute, how old is he?
Guy: 25 months
Me: first kid?
Guy: yeah, how’d you know?
Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”
@fart
btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software
@HTownHarold
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
@BrendanHealy4
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
@MissMMathers
Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
@squirrel74wkgn
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
@DanorSlim
“What’re you like in the bedroom?”
Asleep.