I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
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One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.