I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

You Might Also Like


These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.


“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”


*turns to camera*



Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?


If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or


Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.


Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!


People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can’t even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.


Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!


There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.