I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
#winning