@LizHackett

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

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@Wine_Honey1

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.

@Home_Halfway

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”

*sunglasses*

*turns to camera*

hunch.”

@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

@KattsDogma

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

@HatfieldAnne

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

@Kyle_Lippert

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

@StormErika

People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can’t even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.

@SeeEllVee

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

@Bob_Janke

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.