I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started