@wildethingy

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

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@chuuew

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

@pezzamissed

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

@OctopusCaveman

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

@iwearaonesie

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

@staceys55

Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”

@TheHyyyype

[speed-dating]

ME: wanna see a magic trick?

HER: sure!

ME: yikes *writes “27 years old and still believes in magic” in notebook*

@twayne1010

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

@Staggfilms

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.