ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”
me: OMG why did you pee your pants?!
4: wanted to try something new.
ME: wanna see a magic trick?
ME: yikes *writes “27 years old and still believes in magic” in notebook*
I DON’T OVERREACT
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.