I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
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[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.