I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

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My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.


“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”


Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*


When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.


Zoom sucks, we started having editorial meetings in Red Dead Redemption instead. It’s nice to sit at the campfire and discuss projects, with the wolves howling out in the night


73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.


In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”


I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.


The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.