I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
New Tinder profile.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”