I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
This is sending me to another galaxy
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
i choose….tongue
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti