I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams