I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.