I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
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My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Meanwhile in Portland…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch