I could NOT have put it better myself.
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*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
english majors be like furthermore
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.