I could NOT have put it better myself.
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I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
they really do be looking like this
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant