I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
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What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
then why did i get this email
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.