“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.