“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

You Might Also Like


At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration


look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did


Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.


Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.


To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?


pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes


my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store


He told me “irregardless” was his least favorite word so I pulled him in close and whispered it in his ear.


Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!


It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…