I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
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My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter