I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

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[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]


I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.


the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.


I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.


[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes


If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.


How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?


*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”


[catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast


“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”