@LuvPug

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

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@badbanana

Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.

@roxaroodw

I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.

@sad_tree

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

@boring_as_heck

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

@NewDadNotes

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

@RandomBest

“I got this.”

Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.

@Darlainky

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

@shkeeber

You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.