COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.