I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

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COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre


me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”


if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310


Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.


ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.


if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down


Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.