I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

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Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.


I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.


*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so


[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good


God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
Snake: so fast on my legs!


ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses


“I got this.”

Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.


Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”


You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.