“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Swedish for common sense.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead