“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
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“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.