I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
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How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.