@WilliamRodgers

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

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@gruffybeard

Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you’ll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.

@Tolunimii

‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂

@Miz_Mental_Case

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

@MizzusT

Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*

@chagger73

My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.

@stephpaulus

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

@MartaEffing

When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.