@WilliamRodgers

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

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@souls_asylum

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

@FrenulumBreve

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

@JasonLastname

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

@chrisdelia

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

@Cajun_Ninja

Met this nice girl at the mall today. Her name was No. and coincidentally her number was also No.

@Tmoney68

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

@ClichedOut

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

@DanRather

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

@AmishPornStar1

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.