“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
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you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me